He had battled mental health for 8 years. I know each of us have our own journey. Angela, What a great analogy, a tornado that sucked you into its center. I faithfully took him to his therapy appointments, weekly, for over 12 years! I miss her so and it is hard knowing she is gone forever. I do realize, though, that some of you wont read this post all the way through. Then I begged for her to be re-evaluated and his attitude was awful. Super hard and hella painful AND the things that I have learned moving through this experience over the years have taught me things about myself and life and guided me in unexpected and beautiful waysat least it helps me to make meaning of the pain in that way. Everywhere I look I see all the things around the house that he helped me with. Youre strong for deciding to live your life finally, and dont let anyones judgment of that affect you. But she doesnt know what Ive found out. Cindy Hutchinson May 18, 2016 at 6:21 am Reply, Completed sounds like hes been studying/working on suicideand then he completed it.that sounds weird to ME I always say my son took his own life through suicide. All rights reserved. I can never share with him again all we had together. I will forever live with the guilt that me being unable to be his wife and his soul support emotionally physically and psychologically meant that he could no longer draw breath. Going for the jugular in arguments. I can only imagine the pain youre experiencing. There is a terrible rift, emptiness and unspeakable despair left in his place. I took her with us on trips. Hello Bekah, I am sorry for the greatest pain you are living in now. That I want him back. My son turned 21 4 days after we buried his mom, my daughter turns 25 in 2 weeks, its going to be a long road something I never thought I would have to be privy to. Technology is good of course, but I think some young people and adults overuse it as a way to feel connected when in fact they are notwe NEED real connections with real people. Stigmatized losses may also be referred to as disenfranchised losses, which you can readmore about here and here. On the back I had written how I knew he was going through a hard time right now, but that I believe he can make it through. 1. You could direct him to the Aliance of Hope website, a very compassionate group of people, all who have lost someone to suicide. He got a really good job and his own apartment. I am aware of my declined of enjoying life but It is very hard for me to see my existence as of now. My brother killed himself 1 year ago today. At one point I caught him being quite mean to my 7 lb dog. Although I sometimes feel that we are alone, I realize that others have walked the same path. I hv my doubts. here seems like a good place to just, i dont know, put it out? This year he switched psychiatrists to one that would let him experiment with the new bipolar meds touted on TV. I too feel the way you do. Although we live there, these neighbors would come when they could mostly on weekends. His final and conclusive solution to all of his lifes problems. They told us they could see he had suffered at least 12 stroked since being put on the ventilator. You were with me and I wish that you were still standing by my side, Gabe, I love you. I cant seem to understand OR believe it. Suicide aint the answer, one day or another they will realize they messed up and werent there for you and youll be there to hear that. Find a good listener with whom to share. 2 days ago another of my friends took her life. Barbara J. my hubby says with his death his heart has also gone completely and he finds it hard to love or reach out now it seems to me that his brother was the kind side if him and now hes gone theres no reason to be kind anymorehubbby was beaten to a pulp regularly as a child by his dad.why should he I understand but am frightened by the emotions and am helpless to find solutions for hubby or family.. Thank you for your post. Answer (1 of 8): The worst dreams are often the best dreams you can have. He suffered from PTSD, depression and the most crippling anxiety! I realized that my oldest son chose to die too. In the past few days i found myself once again going through the small box of things i have left of my dad. Its the Medical schools dirty little secret. Yes you did tell him all these things but he probably had undiagnosed mental illness that Made him actually act on these things. For me its the way he died. "That's it," he said through clenched teeth, "I'd rather be . We all cant imagine life without her. I keep trying to read on how to work through my grief, how to figure out the way to live without him, and i keep reading about the stages of grief. I wish you a future filled with happiness that you make for yourself, and that you share with those you love. Nothing could have prepared me for the emotions I would be living with for the rest of my life. I didnt want him back or anything like that, and I didnt miss being with him. I have been in counseling and It has helped with my grief. Last people he thought of? Thank you for sharing your story. I am crying with you and your family tonight. I hadn't told anyone this story, aside from my therapist. I dont think saying my son committed suicide is any different than saying his father died in a car wreck. The last 7 years, these had just gotten worse! To those in this thread who have been dealing with hurt, reach out to someone and just talk, it may not feel like it is helping (at least I didnt think it had for me) but I truly believe that there is a purpose in everything and if it helps someone else to not walk into the abyss, then the time to respond and conversation was exponentially worth it. Something inside me knew it wouldnt happen. Critics praised the intimate nature of Kirk, titled after his last name, on which DaBaby, 28 . Today, my mother who for decades wouldnt talk about it (even initially telling her 4 kids a lie about how he died) sent us a news article which was a profile on her life. Im looking for that little spark . I had never tried so hard to help and failed. I had turned the corner in the backyard to find him on his knees, slightly suspended from the gate. saige overson July 5, 2021 at 6:38 pm Reply. The previous weekend she had disappeared suddenly and at the wrong time of day, and I instantly realized that she intended to harm herself. My husband of 22-years took his life in May 2019. When I speak about the event, I chose to say He took his own life. because its hard for me to say the S word. Email me if you want. All the best to you. Michelle Masterson May 28, 2021 at 6:08 am Reply. Please talk to someone- reach out. there are no words to describe how im feeling im truely heart broken. ( I know that sounds bad but let me explain). She had told me 5 days before she was going to get help that she couldnt live like this anymore. thank you very much for reading my pain that i have on my shoulders.. thanks again, Oswald julmi April 13, 2019 at 3:55 am Reply. God help me I said yes.Our sick pattern was she would threaten then walk off and I would chase her or call or message and beg her not to hurt herself then we would make up.I had just bought her a new lime green couch and a pretty chair with birds all over and she had been out back in her little playhouse,a small house that we had for her to have privacy and a place to feel at least some independence.She was up there cleaning and vacuuming getting it all ready for her new furniture..She had told me how excited she was to sit on her new couch and use her new headphones.Then while vacuuming the breaker burned out and now she had no power. If the thoughts continue, seek help and support. My mom came home after being gone for two days from babysitting for another brother while he and his wife were out of town for a wedding and found him. You are in pain too. Sear professional help as is so fresh for you. But, its a tar pit trap. I wish we all could have done more. What does this mean? The next day he lost his teaching job. Emily, when I read your story I felt like I finally connected to something that resonates with what Im going through. this 2nd doctor just followed their protocols and threw anxiety and depression meds at him. He showed no signs of depression prior to his death, just the alcoholism. Kathleen December 8, 2019 at 5:13 am Reply. My 21 year old sister jumped off a bridge September 2020. On 1/3/2023, she left the house, seemingly normal, to go to a therapist appointment. I have no thoughts of suicide myself, but I do wonder how much longer I will survive with a shattered heart. Frank, I want to give my condolences!!! It wasnt enough. Wow I cant believe so much people are going through what I am going through. But I was not able to see the pain she was going through, she was depressed and wanted to get back to her jerk ex bf. You should look into grief counseling. My son had suffered from bipolar psychosis since age 17 1/2 when he was diagnosed. then eight months and four days later, December 18, 2008 my little brother died from asperating. There is strength in surviving loss. I just looked on Google, and they have no record of anyone jumping or thought to have jumped from there for quite a few months. I constantly go back to that day and going over every small detail of it. Every time I visited home hed say I miss you, Ash but you guys are doing a great job. HE had so many friends and family that loved him. I will not stop until I fine the truth in what happened. I am married and my husband is supportive but our relationship was already on the edge before my brothers suicide. I know he wishes me love, as well. Shes someone I met and instantly connected with. My beautiful daughter 30 died by suicide on 4/20/21. My ex boyfriend killed himself July 29, 2019. Yes, the guilt will also never stop. You may feel numb or in disbelief for some time. I did grief share at a local church but they still read from the bible that it was a sin, I even looked for grief counsler but I cant find any that takes my insurance Medicare and Tricare. Your life is precious. Now Im right back there in my early twenties and feeling all those feelings I had back then but with unbearable sadness because I cant talk to her. I listen to his last songs sometimes, look at his pictures, and I know I have to be okay with everything about this situation. Felt like it was twisting up.. And her face came into my head. I am blessed to have two young adults sons from a previous marriage and a large network of friends keeping watch over me while I grieve, but I cant help being sadder than I ever thought possible. IS THIS WHY MY SON TOOK HIS LIFE? I wish I had called, i always dayream what could have happened if i had called, i am always imagining things. ALS, or amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, is a progressive neurodegenerative disease that affects nerve cells in the brain and the spinal cord. He is so much more than that to me. The anniversary of your death by suicide comes quickly and now it has passed. I am hopeful that somewhere, wherever he may be, that he feels my love, in its truest form. My 16 year old daughter lost a friend to suicide a couple of weeks ago. I am sorry. I feel so sad for him. It hurts that we talked about getting old together and even made jokes about it. June Hutson November 12, 2019 at 4:21 pm Reply. I couldnt relay that. My sister didnt want me around when I was at my lowest because it made her feel uncomfortable and it hurt but I got better without her and now she has regrets but Im not a monster so I forgave her. My brother and only sibling died by suicide on 2-19-19. Amelia shongwe November 5, 2019 at 9:07 am Reply. It's just hard to accept it all. I lost my dearest friend to suicide Oct 2020. We were happy. Why I mourn Frank Roque, who killed my brother in hate Jane, your words are literally helping me not make the choice your dad did. He even told the cops what happened. You won't know when you're ready, because you'll never really feel ready, so do it soon. Interesting definition of traumatic death, thanks! The way peop,e looked at me. Its really really hard everyday. Thats not the point though. But then I became very mentally ill. And he loved to copy me as a child, but I never realised that hed carried on into his teenage years. We had her birthday party the day before the incident. I found him the next day. My brother has killed himself. | Incels.is - Involuntary Celibate She was so excited to spend time with him! I think this may go back to this idea of rejection, which is something Ive never really thought about before. Moments later it went off. Brother of Marine Kareem Nikoui kills himself by memorial site I didn't even know these statistics until my Dad. I love him so much and I just hope this blur of emotions will turn into strength. My brother's life had been unfinished, as he had been so capable of many things, and here he sat with an entire laptop full of information that had never been completed. My brother hanged himself in May this year. She finally switched physicians and got the new one to prescribe her a lethal dose of a blood pressure medication that she told them she takes for migraines (she had never taken it before, I figured this out after her death by going through her emails and the possessions that the police returned to me). You will find a way through this, but give yourself the space to feel whatever it is you need to feel. Dont be afraid to cry. My heart goes out to each every one of you. Things started to look up. I am bawling my eyes out right now. My mom didnt want to let go. At the week end she sent her partner to buy shopping, and he came home to find her hanging in the bathroom. Anyway sometimes for me writing things out helps. Sneaky Peeks on Twitter: "RT @c_kedge: My brother had 2 massive Cookie Notice After I got home from being with my family I went to see my therapist. I realised how severely depressed she was and it was heartbreaking to see. Maybe if I had said something, or sat at his lunch table with him that day, or called him or anything at all he would still be here right now. It ruins relationships, and it truly changes your view on life as well as the way people view you. I get very offended and feel isolated and shut down when I read people telling other people not to use this descriptor. I have two jobs: one, as a social worker, helping adults with severe mental illness and substance use disorders and two, as a grief support provider for a local funeral home. I was around your age when I had a friend kill herself. Of kindness, of compassion. But you can hear it in their voice its not. It was unthinkable given our past as college roommates and roommates later in life when I was living on a couch in a house he was renting. I dread it. I will even give you my cell number. His papa was his bestfriend. and the Dallas Cowboys QB says he's still having a hard time coping with it all. I am heart-broken, I have no idea how to deal with this as nobody understands why Im so upset about the death of someone I had only seen walking in school. I think the blame will eventually just shatter me completely. Its as if he did not exist ! My brother jumped from beachy head 2 years ago. In fact tomorrow really never comes. I have 3 children to look after also. I dont cry all day but i wish i could. After that I had finals so we didnt communicate that much, but he did come to see me and my siblings everyday. I believe in the eternal nature of our souls and I know his spirit lives on. Thank you. I have felt alone in my grief, but funnily enough I met my boyfriend recently and discovered that he also lost his mother to suicide. hes a over the road truck driver so I couldnt just wait for him to come home. I believe that deep in his heart he knew that he was loved, and whether he knows it or not, he will continue to be loved until my last breath. I found myself thinking OK, I was abused as a baby,a child , a wife now Im elderly and my own daughter!So I had a hard time moving past it and instead of trying to understand why she might be doing this I became angry. They had my grandson move the car out to give them room. I know it will be hard, i'm crying just writing this post but idk. My fiance and I were sitting on the couch watching tv until he suddenly shut the tv off, cuddled me very silently for half an hour, then pulled a gun out from nowhere and shot himself while I was trying to pull it off of his head. I dont want to accept that this is it . Hold every single person you have love for, or once had love for, close right now. Hope everyone comes together and shares there thoughts and thanks for me letting this out . He used a firearm and made me watch. Dont ever become to complacent and think your in control because in the blink of an eye your life and those around you can change forever. , Andrea Taylor June 24, 2022 at 5:53 am Reply. I get very emotional whenever I try to write anything about him. I feel your pain and your description of your son sounds a lot like my daughter. He was like a father at times, dad worked 3rd at a prison, Mom until 6 pm as a nurse. That pain is your own and its just as valid as your familys. But then I realize he already knew that. The feelings of abandonment are very real, if he had died any other way I could have understood that, I could have wrapped my mind around it. Please dont take your lack of connection here as an indication that you are alone in all of this. He was worried about where to met up with his class. Earlier last year he had threatened to burn down our house. Just some dark humor between friends. Im a lot needier than I was before this loss. On the day after Christmas in 1996, my brother, Michael, called to say that our father had tried to kill himself. When I found out a few hours later that the neighbor had locked herself in her room to protect her 4 children from finding her body hanging in the closet, I was in the denial stage of grief for sure. Give yourself permission to get professional help. I am in this website because I need to know what I can cause if that happens. About a week later, we both graduated from different colleges. I am now the only one living with my 86 yr old father and that is a huge issue with my brother and I as well as my father and his mind and faculties! Comment sections are really by nature very hit or miss as to whether the right person will come along and read all the comments and then respond back. I miss him everyday and this time of year can be overwhelming at times. Happiest guy ever with a great family. I found his body. I love you, dad. His daughter found him. American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. we didnt see it coming at all. Please know that, no matter what, you are not alone. Wear out your questions, anger, guilt or other feelings until you can let them go. He told her it was his hit man. So, that is why the support group for me is a safe and validating place for support. I have found more strength through self-help, by reading books which address grief and all of the issues surrounding grief, some which are specific to suicide death. He is an amazing father, husband, friend, lover. Even knowing this, the grief is horrendous, so many shoulda, coulda, woulda, not to mention the answers I so desire. Then i heard him put the bullets in the gun and shot himself so quick before could f stop him. The only thing that holds me back is my husband. We were together for 10 years and divorced 2.5 yrs prior to his death. YOU DESERVE LIFE! i was so busy and overwhelmed that i told him i would see him next time. Like many he enjoyed playing computer games and found companionship with online-friends around the world. She was the daughter I never had. And he went through with it. Truth is i took my brother for granted bc of precieved squabbles or issues or simple different opinions or character traits. I do struggle every day as I miss his larger than life personality ?x. My life partner of 11 years shot himself in the early hours on 30 June. It was a Saturday that she took her life and we spent one of the most beautiful day together making each other happy. Can I kindly ask if you know which books helped you? She told my mom she never loads it. He acknowledged and appreciated this. This website has a listing for EMDR therapists https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/. I eventually was able to say Hes dead, and everyone around me just stared. Then he started to. Then something came over me, a felt a weird feeling of dread that something was really off. That was the headline to a news story on April 10 at News24.com . He was 42. And all the bullshit issues that siblings who really couldnt be much closer have with each other. He just refused any help. Its easy to say they are at peace now when we are left here with excruciating guilt and loss. Most recently, he just stopped paying me and would not answer my calls or texts about how to solve this. I thought about her frequently and in 1995 one of my friends told me that she confided in him: she regretted staying with her boyfriend and wanted to be with me; but I no longer lived in her area and thought it best not to reach out to her. The man who murdered my brother post-9/11 just died. I think its very judgmental to tell a person what words are acceptable to use when they are being brave enough to put their grief out there. Hugs to youits only natural to wonder and think about what if and if I only maybe you could get together with others he touched and do something in his name to carry on helping others?! He had a hard family life, and now that I think more about this, maybe he needed love and affection from multiple girls because he wasnt secure in himself and didnt receive that kind of love at home. We played video games until midnight, when he made a sexual advance. It shattered our familyor maybe just ended the illusion of being a family. What hope is there for this life? How our hearts broke for him and his dream of simply being normal teenager, to have friends, to belong. You can see it onthe internet. I know I will never be the same person again. We found him Monday 3rd of sept. His birthday was this week and because of the circumstances we will be able to have his funeral only the day after tomorrow. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain you are going through. "I'm so sorry for your loss.". He always had so much energy. But, I understand, I feel like I failed my brother too. Its not your fault I promise. Should I read something into that? In 2 days it will also be his birthday, but I can tell u every year I think about what he would want for me and I try to do better because I know that is what he would want. What Still Remains After My Brother Died by Suicide - The Mighty I m not understanding it at all and feel I should have known the depression that must have been there. My older brother was found dead only a few weeks ago. Of course I did find him in the bedroom, he shot himself in the head. Im so sorry Aibon. He also had drug use problems we did not know fully, i should have known. The time has come for us to choose language aroundsuicide thatdoes not condemn or stigmatize the person who has died or those who love them. I lost my husband a year-and-a-half ago and then my brother and now my baby brother and this is all too much, my family is shattered. I realize that he always loved me, and I always loved him. Moment by moment. Stay strong buddy. The bad ones were soooo bad! There was really no good mental health care in our whole state.I then called another doctor that I found in our area and told them what was happening and asked for an appointment for her to be completely re-evaluated. He recently found a girlfriend , everyones guard was off , we all thought he is OK. Ray.perez001@gmail.com. In retrospect I beginning to believe that she was suffering from a bi-polar mental health problem. He had been drinking and was not in a stable place. Kareem Nikoui, getting blown up in Afghanistan. When Im ready to start really getting painfully honest with myself, Ill begin to heal. She said to me that she doesnt like any of them and that she trusts me, and wants to talk to me. He thought he was doing something to fix a problem he created and I will never understand how he thought his life was worth any amount of money! He didnt want to be here when she left and he felt like hed already lost her. Approximately 90%of those who die by suicide have one or more mental disorders. The grownups around me at the time handled it poorly and I believe that has strongly impacted on my journey through the grief. She has been gone almost 6 months I cry everyday, I blame myself, I ask why, I relive that night everyday, all my mom and I had were each other, I just cant wrap my head around this, I am so lonely, l am so lost. Seek them out and help yourself live a better life. Sometimes I tell myself whats the point of even trying getting better? Having overcome so many hardships in my life, I didnt think I could have taken more pain, until my heart seemed to have been ripped out from my chest. I understand why my son and step daughter took their lives they are labelled as mentally ill but they were driven to suicide by other influences such as bullying. He hung himself in our basement, and I had to get him down and try to perform CPR. He contacted my mother and begged her to take him back. Try to find psychotherapy which is good one . Nobody could make me laugh as hard as he could. Unfortunately I did not find him in time and he suffered severe brain damage. Today makes it 5 years since my father shot himself. my brother John thought he was a burden on us because of his drug addictions. My whole world caved in and I died with him that day as Ive never been the same ever since. I remember all my friends in the years to follow always saying you are so strong. He sent a picture of a man with a gun. I lost my big sister. He made me a better oerson through his love and kindness. But, some of the best things Ive ever experienced came when things were the darkest. What hurts the most is I dont even know the last words I said to him or he said to me. then after that can I sue the mother of the child for all the pain she has cause me and my family? I feel like a shell of a person just here. Ill never get one of those hugs that last forever. Six weeks later he hanged himself. And also anniversary of death in February . Maybe because that is what I wanted to believe, I did not see the situation clearly.. Funding cuts to mental health services have done a great disservice to those who seek help before the act. I took my brother, her husband, to a Crisis Center at a nearby hospital. I really believe life is what you make it. This wasnt to be. I pray for his peace. I have good days and bad days. Deborah Smith July 8, 2016 at 9:07 am Reply. We were young and stupid, and broke up. It is common to experience physical reactions to your grief, such as headaches, loss of appetite and difficulty sleeping. My 18 year-old son committed suicide at home yesterday morning.